Need opinions and advice from those with lots of relationship experience?

A friend of mine (not the one mentioned in another question) started slipping around with this guy a little over a year ago, and for awhile he refused to leave his girlfriend for her. Not long after he was finally single, my friend moved in with him. A few months later they got engaged.





Now, they work at the same place and -according to my friend- that's why they've been having so many problems lately. She says they get short-tempered with each other because they spend too much time together and don’t have time to miss each other. To that end, she’s considering going back to her old job (where she basically has a reserved place because her mom works there) and hoping it’ll fix everything.





(More details to follow.)Need opinions and advice from those with lots of relationship experience?
This guy sounds like a controlling, a******.


I have a question for you have you ever noticed if she has and bruises or welts? because this guy sounds like he could be physically abusive.





Your friend is in denial and might need therapy now or later. I recommend that she take that old job back. It's one small step to get her away from this abusive person. If you want to prove that she is miserable you can probably set up a video camera and tape her being miserable. I don't know why the guy is short tempered maybe like you said for sympathy, maybe it's the way he was brought up, either way he's still an abusive person.





The most important thing you can do is sit her down and try to talk her into leaving that guy and finding someone better. Get some evidence and reasons to why she should leave him. A question you should ask her is





Why do you put up with him? and if she says because she loves him ask her why she loves him and if she has no answer she'll probably get mad and maybe storm out, but don't worry about that you reveled to her that there is really no reason she should be there.





Don't be afraid that she will stop talking to you. If she threatens to break up contact it's only going to be for a little bit. From what it sounds like she doesn't have many friends she could turn to, so she'll be back if that ever happens.





Just let her know she is your friend, your concerned or worried about her, and is welcome to stay with you.Need opinions and advice from those with lots of relationship experience?
Your friend has some major emotional problems and unfortunately for all of us in the world, we can not fix another’ problems regardless of how much we love and care for them. It seems as though you are a loyal friend to your friend as most people may not tolerate being on the other end of such drama and there to help in times of such irrational crisis. It seems to me your friend sees you as someone who will be there for her no matter what. Some of the things I have picked up on in your question other than your loyalty is that your friend is crying wolf a lot and when you are there to rescue her, the wolf is gone. This behavior implies a few things, one of which is that she is most likely using you as an escape /threat to her fiancé when he has driven her to the point of desperation for his approval and attention. The other is that she is not crying to you to seek advice but just to make an excuse for him to give her the approval and attention she needs. He is afraid he will lose her (his emotional toy) and so he temporarily gives her some attention after most likely degrading her for enough time to feel he is not attached to her. On another note I can promise that both parties are extremely lacking in communication skills and productive coping techniques. Another thing that seems apparent are the abuse issues as well as infidelity. These are the symptoms not the real problems. Both of these individuals will only improve the quality of their mental health by first and foremost wanting help and understanding the need for help, and then going to a competent therapist or psychologist for extensive psychotherapy/cognitive behavioral therapy. The wounds both are carrying I would guarantee are severe and when you couple that with poor coping skills you are heading for disaster. They will also carry these problems with them into all aspects of their lives if left unresolved. Whether they are in relationships with peers, friends, bosses or lovers, people carry their emotional baggage with them. We all have filters in our minds that give us our perception on incoming data. If the filters are clogged with irrational theory the saying garbage in garbage out applies. While attending therapy I strongly recommend reading self help books, exercising and above all else focusing on oneself and gaining pleasure from things external from all relationships. ';Relationships and humans are dynamic by nature, and to base ones happiness on either is to succumb to a life on an emotional rollercoaster. '; quote by J. Schaefer


It seems as though you are in some way close to this person. I did notice you referenced another question you wrote involving someone else which brings me to my next answer. I would ask yourself how you find yourself in the middle of these crisis that obviously effect you enough to ponder their solutions. Is there something you are trying to avoid within yourself that leads to codependent relationships? Look within and try to see what it is you are seeking in the attempt to fix these chaotic relationships/people.
I know u might not 2 many responses 2 this queston, most ppl wont read somethis long, so i will take my time 2 xplain, plus it will be apayback 4 making me read that long @ss question, LOL!: 1st it sounds like ur friend does not have a strong father figure in her life, she lacks self esteme, and confidences. She needs 2 get away form him, he, I would guess is a misogyne, and no 1 will ever be good enuff 4 him. he is probaly beating her or will start soon. He could just have ur ';brain washes'; in2 thinking she has nothing with out him, LIke '; novdoy will ever love u, or put up with u, and a lot other names, I could go on 4ever. U had a couple guestion so I hope I cover them all in my answer, since u took the time 2 right all this out. Well u r right she will get mad @ any1 that doesn't like him or doesn't like there relationship. This leaves u with few choses which 1 u chose is up 2 u. 1) u can gather all her friends and family 2gether and have an ';intervention'; and have ever1 tell her what they see as wrong, not 2 belittle her but saying stuff like I miss when u and I would such and such, now we dont anymore, or U used 2 B this person, now u seem like this. Let her know that there is a suport group waiting 4 her. U guys can either deside whether or not u want 2 tell her 2 leave him or we can no longer stand by a watch you hurt like this, or tell her when you do decided 2 leave which u will, we will all b here waiting for u cuz thats what friends do. U could just tell her 1 on 1, that u see what is going thur and u can't stand by and watch her hurt like this. Mayb have some domestic abuse pamphlets 4 her 2 read. Or u can just tell her that u are hear 4 her, anytime she needs u! The bottom line u know her better then I dont so u will have 2 decide how best 2 handle it. U could also get some pamphlets and just read some for tips or tell her that u saw it while waiting in line somewhere and thought alot sounded like her relationship. She needs 2 get out B4 it is too late, 1 it escalates, or he really hers her(the number 1 killer of woman is murder by there bf of husbands) Or she gets prego and feels trapped. If I think of anything else i will come back and add it! or u can email me!